Living Gratefully
Talk given in the Arlington 2nd Ward, 11/22/15
For the past few weeks, I have been exploring the role of gratitude in living a happy life. If you do a google search, you’ll find many studies on the relationship between gratitude and happiness.
This has been a common research topic. In a nutshell, here are some results of some studies shared on the Harvard Medical School website (http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier)
- A group spent 10 weeks writing about things they were grateful for. After 10 weeks, they were more optimistic and felt better about their lives than those who wrote about daily irritations.
- A group was assigned to write a letter of gratitude to someone who had never been properly thanked for his or her kindness. They immediately exhibited a huge increase in happiness scores.
- A study of couples found that those who expressed gratitude for their partner felt more positive toward the other person AND also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship
- Another study showed that managers who remember to say thank you to people who work for them may find that those employees feel motivated to work harder.
I’m going to share some examples that I have observed for myself.
One of the sisters I visit teach is Rosemarie. She lives at the Cherrydale Rehabilitation Center. She spends most of her time in bed as it is very difficult for her to get into her wheelchair and she has a lot of anxiety about riding the metro bus. There are many things she could complain about, but she is almost always gracious and grateful for my visits and the visits of other ward members and small acts of service that she receives. She expresses gratitude for her roommate and she is a kind and generous person.
Another ward member named Dorothy lives there as well. I stopped to say hello to her one day recently. She greeted me with a smile. She showed me her necklaces. They were the plastic, brightly colored necklaces you might see at mardi gras celebrations.
She said, “They are just so colorful, they make me happy.” Another time, I visited her during Christmas and she pointed out a Christmas card she had received and how it made her so happy to see it on the wall. I am learning that those who have grateful hearts can find happiness---no matter their circumstances, job title or worldly wealth.
A couple of years ago, I started to put my journals on the computer.
This allows me to search for themes and see what I said about certain topics. I found out that there were three times in my life when I wrote the most about being grateful. These were during my mission and during my pre and post mission college years. This exercise made me want to get my journal out today and write about the many things I am grateful for to make sure my children and future grandchildren know that I am a grateful person. Recording it in journals will make sure that at some later date, we can read about the experience again and realize how we have been blessed.
By far, I wrote the most about being grateful while I was a missionary in Honduras. My expressions of gratitude fell into three categories: Gratitude for others, Gratitude for the experiences I have, and Gratitude for spiritual blessings from God.
- Being Grateful for others
In May of 1986, I had been in Honduras for about 2 months. I received a letter from home telling me that my mom had breast cancer and had had a mastectomy. I was at a meeting with the missionaries in my district and of course my reaction was to burst out in tears since it was the first I had heard about it. For a while, I was under the impression that she would die during my mission and that I wouldn’t see her again in this life. I wrote, “ I'm so grateful for the missionaries in our district (for offering good comfort). After reading mom's words, "There just isn’t much we can't do when we draw together and work together as a family," I wrote, “I'm so grateful that I have this family. I'm so blessed.”
In June of the same year, my companion and I were trying to cross a river to get to part of our area to teach some people. By crossing the river, we saved about an hour of walking time. Usually, the river was low and we could hop across the rocks.
This time though, it had just rained and the level of the river was high enough that the rocks barely showed above the water level. We reached about 1/3 of the way across the river and then didn't know where to go.. .. a man waded over to us, took our hands and helped us jump from rock to rock most of the rest of the way. The final 10 feet of water was knee deep and we had to wade. I wrote about how I was very grateful for this help. Several days later we were at the river crossing again. We made it about 1/3 of the way across and once again felt stranded. But wouldn't you know, just as if it were a movie, the hero arrived. Rudolfo, the same as a few days before stood on a rock at the bank. He held up his hands as if he were the prince coming to rescue us, stripped to gym shorts and tennis shoes and waded toward us and helped us to the other side. Once again, I wrote about how we were grateful for his help.
Sometimes we thank others verbally. Sometimes we show our gratitude by returning service to them or treating them kindly or smiling. It’s nice to put your thoughts on a card and express your gratitude that way. When I was a child, one of my first memories of thank you notes in the mail came from a brother in our ward.
I think I received a handful from him over the years. He would write notes to thank me for a talk I gave or a song I sang or some music I shared on the piano. He was so kind and he made me feel special and important. It’s such a nice gesture. If it’s been awhile since you wrote a thank you note, pick up a pen. Send the note in the mail.
2 We can be grateful for experiences, good or bad
We have all kinds of experiences in this life. Some are great, some are not. It’s often only in retrospect we can look back and find the good in those difficult experiences or find the strength to recognize and express gratitude for events that shaped our characters. It takes personal strength to pass through difficult times with a grateful heart. I greatly admire those who are able to remain optimistic and hopeful, kind and thoughtful even when their lives are in turmoil. Throughout my life, I have made mental notes of people like that and hope that I can be like them when I am faced with trials.
Once, a friend shared an experience of a young person who was applying for college. The college essay question was “Describe a difficult situation in your life and how you were able to overcome it”. The young person explained that she had had many difficulties in her family life, and in her social life--more than most people. But, she said that she looks at them as growing experiences that have shaped her and made her strong and who she is. She is a person with a grateful heart and because of her gratitude, she can be happy despite the challenges in her life. AND, she makes many other people happy too.
The third category is being Grateful for heavenly blessings
One night during my mission I had a really vivid dream. I wrote: “I can only remember a part of it, but I dreamed that I called my parents. I wasn’t speaking English very well and kept mixing it up with Spanish words. However, I remember Dad saying [in my dream], “We just want you to know that your mission has blessed us so much.” Perhaps because I hadn't received mail for so long, this was a thought to comfort me through the power of the Holy Ghost. I remember crying in my dream and feeling so grateful for my family.
In Elder Wirthlin’s 2001 Devotional talk at BYU he spoke about Living in Thanksgiving Daily. He gave some tips for living a thankful life daily: Open your eyes, Open your hearts, Open your arms.
First: Open your eyes
When our two oldest sons, Mark and Paul, were teenagers, they were working on the photography merit badge. It requires boy scouts to learn all about the settings on the camera and then to take hundreds of photos in order to improve their photography skills. They started this merit badge right before a family vacation. They took turns during the vacation taking their photos and improving their ability to use the camera. It was amazing what they noticed. We have some remarkable pictures of ants for example.
I think the experience helped them open their eyes to the beauties of the world. I’ve taken a lot of photos this fall of the beautiful leaves around Arlington.
The world is beautiful and the people around us are too. We need to open our eyes and express gratitude to people for their role in our lives and to God for the beautiful world that we live in. There is so much to enjoy.
Second, we can open our hearts.
Brother Wirthlin said, “We must let go of the negative emotions that bind our hearts and instead fill our souls with love, faith, and thanksgiving.” The formula is right there. If we have negative emotions and it seems hard to give them up and change, the key is to fill our souls with love, faith, and thanksgiving so that there is no room for the negative.
We do that by exercising our faith, repenting, and cleansing our hearts through Christ.
Brother Wirthlin continued, “Consider the love your Heavenly Father has for all His children. Open your heart to His cleansing word. Feast on the words of holy writ. Cherish the messages of modern-day prophets and apostles. Forgive others who have offended you. Don’t waste another moment feeling self-pity. Every day drain from your heart the feelings of resentment, rage, and defeat that do nothing but discourage and destroy.
The key: Fill your heart with those things that ennoble, encourage, and inspire.”
If you think about the great Book of Mormon prophet Nephi, he certainly had reason to be resentful. His brothers hated him. They bound him and almost killed him.
He must have felt so alone when his father died. He must have felt discouraged and troubled. But if you read his words, they are inspiring:
“Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard” (2 Ne. 4:16).
One of the best ways we show our gratitude to God is by blessing the lives of those around us. King Benjamin taught his people: “And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17).
Which brings us to the third point: We can live in thanksgiving daily by opening our arms to those around us. In a grand sense, there are people all over the world who need open arms. We see many examples in the news. The church is in a good position to send money and other temporal assistance to those in need. We have opportunities to donate money to humanitarian efforts through the church. We can befriend and serve others and help them.
When was the last time you unselfishly reached out to help another in need? Every time we cheer another’s heart, every time we ease another’s burden, every time we lift a weary hand, we show our gratitude to that God to whom we owe all that we have and all that we are.
When was the last time you told someone you love how much they mean to you? When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to someone who has always been there for you, someone who has sacrificed for you, someone whose heart has always been filled with hopes and dreams for you?
Being grateful is actually a commandment. In D&C 59:7, the Lord says, “Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” Later, he says, “In nothing doth man offend God or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things and obey not his commandments. (D&C 59:21) In the Book of Mormon, we learn that we should “live in thanksgiving daily (Alma 34:38).
I would like to express publicly my gratitude for the blessings in my life. I am thankful for a patient, kind and generous husband who is a great husband and father. I’m thankful for our four sons and how they are growing up. I am thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. There is so much good about it that gives me hope, purpose, direction, and peace. I’m thankful for Jesus Christ and how he makes it possible for us to repent and have the hope of returning to God after this life. I’m thankful for the hope of a resurrection and that I will be able to see loved ones again. I’m thankful for this ward and all who contribute to bringing a wonderful feeling here each week. This is a family and a home and all are welcome.
I have experienced more happiness and satisfaction in my life when I feel grateful for what I have. As we go into Thanksgiving week, I hope that we can each spend a little extra time expressing and demonstrating our gratitude to our family, friends, neighbors and God. I hope that we can show through our service to others that we are grateful for what we have.
